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December 4, 2006
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Bad Habit

I came home late today
You were there in a way
I had that same thought
It makes my insides rot
I thought all about you
About just what I should do

Should I throw it away
Forget about yesterday
Should I never look back
My mind started to crack
I don稚 wanna hear you anymore
I just wanna know what it was all for

So I can end this life with a little respect
Start a new one tomorrow but in retrospect
I figure I値l just pick up the phone
Because I don稚 wanna be here all alone
You値l just come over again with that evil grin
You値l make me give it all in to the original sin

I know it値l just happen all over again
Because somehow I always seem to give in
But one of these days I値l get over you
But until then I just guess you値l do
Because one of these days this habit will die
And on that day I hope I知 not the one to cry
READ THE POEM BEFORE READING THIS!



for some reason this one doesn't flow, it needs work so if you read it I expect a full critique because I think it has potential.

number of times changed: 3
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:iconsynthwrr:
Bummer about the subject.

I like your rhyming.

The flow seems fine except I'm not used to reading rhymed stuff, so that kind of threw me off. Other than that, excellent piece. :D
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:icondeblackraven:
thanks, I always apprietiate your input
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:icondeblackraven:
I forgot the word "That" before "evil Grin" almost personifying the stupid look that can do just about anything (they exist..... believe me). if you ever notice something like that in my writting it is because my mind gets over excited and forgets i haven't typed the word.
I know what you mean about the flow, I want to get it to work right because it has a lot of emotion behind it, and yes, this is well after the fact. Coming up on my fourth month since I actually broke the habit.
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:iconkalimey:
Hmmm

First of all, I can definately feel emotion in it. But something about the flow of each paragraph (I dont know the technical term for it) is confusing. Some of the things you say are a little confusing...
for example: "You値l just come over again with evil grin" through me off a bit at first because i couldnt tell wether you were saying evil grin is its own being, or if it was just a typo and you meant to say 'with an evil grin'
there are just a few things like that kind of confuse the flow.

On the other hand, its very sincere. It has a distinct emotion behind it. When i first read it, I got that feeling that people tend to have after a heavy rain storm ends. The storm was harsh and frightenning, and afterwards there is a clear peace of mind. this poem has a very "clear peace of mind" feeling to it.

Its really quite good, and I like it a lot.
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:icondeblackraven:
I forgot the word "That" before "evil Grin" almost personifying the stupid look that can do just about anything (they exist..... believe me). if you ever notice something like that in my writting it is because my mind gets over excited and forgets i haven't typed the word.
I know what you mean about the flow, I want to get it to work right because it has a lot of emotion behind it, and yes, this is well after the fact. Coming up on my fourth month since I actually broke the habit.
Reply
:iconkalimey:
I do the same thing where i skip a word because my head tells me its there already. i can definately relate to that.

Actually, I would like to go further in saying that every time I read this, I like it MORE than the time before. It has something captivating oozing from it.

What exactly do you mean when saying you "broke the habit"?
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:icondeblackraven:
to put it simply, I was with someone whom I should not have been with, someone who was bad for me, made me a bad person.... however, lots of people deal with these kinds of problems, and since the poem is not gender specific almost anyone who has been through it can relate since it is somewhat open ended.
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:iconkalimey:
so you ended the relationship? because it was not good for you? thats what you meant when you said broke the habit? ^_^ makes sense to me.
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:icondeblackraven:
you are close to the truth, i just wouldn't use the word relationship.
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:iconkalimey:
Ah! that bad huh? wow. my deepest sympathies!
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